Excel's Plan
by Sudden Enigma
Summary: One shot. Excel devises a plan to confess her love of Il Palazzo! I don't know how else to describe it.Rated for mild language.


**Disclaimer:**I don't own Excel Saga, so if any lawers come breaking down my door saying I violated copyrights, I'm gonna break some lawer-bones.

This is my first Excel Saga fic, and I don't know what I was thinking when I wroteit. Chances are, I wasn't thinkng in the slightest. Any way, now that it's done, I realize it's pretty funny.

Note: It may not seem like it right away, but this is from Excel's perspective.

* * *

"**_Hail Lord Il Palazzo!_**"

"-zzo!"

"Greetings Agents Excel and Hyatt." The voice of our esteemed leader of ACROSS rang through the big, largely empty room. "Today's mission is a particularly important one."

"And what may that be, sir?" Ha-chan asked with a hand raised, and a dead-ish tone in her voice. I knew only one thing to be important to our great lord!

"Is it to hunt down all the infidels and eradicate their threatening presence from the path of ACROSS? Or is it to track down mythical beasts like the Loch Ness Monster? Oh, wait...Excel found that thing in a toilet she was cleaning yesterday and she thinks it got flushed dow- Eee! The rope!"

Waugh! He pulled it again!

"And Excel goes on another adventure to explore the wonders of gravity! What will she find this time! Ah...what does it matter? Excel always fails missions 'cause she don't know what the hell is going on. I mean, come on! Who would, when half the briefing she's falling down a trap door? Eee! The bottom! Igottawrapthisupquick,soExceljustwantstosaythat nomatterhowdire thingsseem,orhowmanytimesshefallsdownthisdamnpit,shewillstillblindlyserveLordIl-"

SQUISH!

"Squish? Where's the customary splash of water, and where's the aqueous beasts to attack Excel? What's this picture of Il Palazzo doing here?"

The picture seemed to be a sign-ish thingy. 'Excel-Due to a lack of funds to pay the water bill, the pit has temporarily, perhaps permanently, been filled with these adorably cute yellow aliens bent on global domination. In short, Puchuus.'

Well, that explained that, but how the hellwas Excel supposed to get out of here? Oh! Another sign! 'Do not push: Auto flush.' So, I, naturally, pushed the button! Great, so now what?

The Puchuus gave way! Excel was falling again!

"And Excel is back to her Lord Il Palazzo!"

But no one was in the room, except of course, Excel. No Ha-chan. No Lord Il Palazzo. Only an empty throne.

"Where'd everybody go?"

* * *

Excel certainly is confused. She don't see the point of opening this fan fic with a flashback that happened ten minutes ago. But anyway...Excel is back at her apartment, but there ain't nobody home. And I thought Ha-chan was gonna be here. Oh, crap!

* * *

Excel's Imagination Gone Wild

* * *

While Excel was falling...

Il Palazzo: "And so, Hyatt, let us go on a little vacation."

Ha-chan: "What of Senior Excel and our emergency food supply, Menchi?"

Il Palazzo: "The dog can tag along, I guess. But excel is rather busy falling at the moment, so she doesn't get to come."

Ha-chan: "So where are we going?"

Il Palazzo: "I haven't decided yet. It'll be a surprise!"

* * *

Back to reality

* * *

"Like that would ever happen!"

But where did they all go? I don't see any signs or anything...So now what is Excel supposed to do?

"I know! Excel will find a way to get her Lord Il Palazzo to love her like she does him!"

So I go out the apartment, and bump into my neighbors. Unfortunately, I mean that literally.

"Ow..."

"Uh, Miss, let me help you. Sorry for running into you like that."

"If you really want to help...wait. You're that lovesick idiot hung up on Ha-chan. Never mind."

A guy with spiky hair picks me up off the floor. "I can be much more help than that gumdrop there."

It ends up the ignorant citizen drops me so I could land gracefully on my feet. He's grabbed by the nose and pulled to the side of the balcony, and a mean looking woman pushes him off.

'Looks like Watanabe's no the only one that's lovesick.' A third guy writes. What? Writes? What the hell? Meh. Seems reasonable enough.

"Hey you, little fat guy with the Kansai writing style!"

'It's Sumiyoshi.'

"Okay, right. Sushiyomi, then."

'Sumiyoshi.'

"If a girl were to confess her love to you, but still wanted to keep her identity a secret, how would you want her to do it, Yomisushi?"

'A gushy-secret admirer-love letter would probably work best, but I've never gotten one, so that's just a hunch. And it's Sumiyoshi, get it right.'

"Alright, thanks dude."

And Excel is off to the store to get some paper and a pen!

* * *

"What! I don't have that much!"

"Well, then, I'm sorry. You can't buy jack."

"I'll work off my debt, just let Excel get the pen and paper!"

"We don't have a job for you, unless you want to clean toilets."

Toilets? Why is it always toilets? But Excel should take this almost like a direct order from Lord Il Palazzo! It's not like Excel's never cleaned a toilet before!

"Since Excel was officially ranked toilet cleaner by the illustrious Lord Il Palazzo, she will accept your request for clean excretion receptacles!"

"Well, here's a bucket and a sponge. Get to it!"

And with that, I'm off to clean toilets!

* * *

Excel is back after six hundred and eight toilets, two dead men, and a Puchuu clogging a sink. She is ready to write that letter!

"Excel is here to claim her stationary!"

"Sorry. Just closed."

"No...paper?"

"No paper. Come back tomorrow."

No! I have to leave, and Excel didn't get her writing things! Damn. So I cry to the sidewalk!

"All I want is to write a letter! I know sixteen yen don't buy a thing, but damn! I need to confess my love of Il Palazzo, but he doesn't listen to a thing Excel says, and when he does, he pulls that rope and Excel is falling for fifteen minutes! How's a girl supposed to tell someone she loves him when that always happens! It doesn't help he sometimes uses a bazooka!"

"Perhaps it is anti-socialism. Fear of commitment. Refusal of love. Hatred. Hmm. That is thoroughly perplexing."

It's some old lady with a yellow hat. She's holding out a pack of paper and what I think to be a pen.

"Is this for me?"

"No. It's for the one you love. You would do well to give it to him."

With the old lady's words in my feeble mind and stationary in hand, Excel is off to her apartment!

* * *

Crap! It's been nine whole drafts, and Excel's still got zilch for a letter! And she's only got this one last sheet...Oh, no! Excel's very much in a fix! She can't screw this one up!

"Excel has concluded in a vote of eighty nine brain cells to six, and five absentees, she will take all the good stuff from the other crap...I mean letters, and mush it all together into one!"

* * *

"Hail Lord Il Palazzo!"

"-zzo!"

"Ah. Agent Excel, I am glad to see you are not upset about Hyatt's and my sudden absence. I had to pay a visit to my parents, and Hyatt played the part of my girlfriend."

"Girl...friend?" Excel's poor itty bitty heart tore in two. No...make that three.

"My parents wanted to be sure I wasn't wasting my life chasing childish dreams. So, I staged me being with Hyatt as a ploy to cover up the existence of ACROSS. And ACROSS would not exist if not for those childish dreams."

Excel has to be brave! I will give him the letter!

"Lord Il Palazzo, sir! Excel would like you to read this!"

He's looking at it! Yippee!

_Dearest Lord Il Palazzo_,

_Your ever loyal Excel has something_ _she must say. She must tell you she loves only you!_ _She will follow your every command, you are the master, and Excel is the genie. Well, without the magic powers, that is._

_Excel has never had anyone tell her she was useful. To everyone, she was useless. Even to her own parents. But not to Lord Il Palazzo! No, he gave Excel purpose, and Excel always gives herself to Lord Il Palazzo! She will do anything for him! She loves Lord Il Palazzo!_

_With lots o' lovey-dovey feelings,_

_Excel Excel_

Lord Il Palazzo read Excel's confesional love letter! That makes me really happy!

"Excel...Who wrote this?"

"I did!"

"But Senior, that letter is too complex for someone of your intellectual stature." Ha-chan is way too much on Il Palazzo's side for my comfort.

"International statue?"

"That is exactly our point." Why must Il Palazzo doubt Excel so much?

I came to have an idea! "But, does it matter who wrote it if it's all true?"

"What do you mean?"

"I, Excel Excel, is in love with you. You told me I was useful to you. I know Excel has failed almost every mission you have sent her on, but Excel is still useful to you, right?"

"Remember, Excel, ACROSS is nothing without the childish dreams behind it. If ACROSS were to accomplish its goals, those dreams would become reality. That would be ACROSS's fall, no dreams left to fuel it. Excel, as for missions, you couldn't really accomplish one for the life of you, and there's a lot o' life in you. But, you are the reason ACROSS still exists. You keep the dreams alive, Excel. For that, you are useful. So, let us strive to accomplish ACROSS's goals, but never quite get there!"

Il Palazzo...He just told me...Excel cheers! "To unreached dreams!"

Il Palazzo cheers too! "To wet dreams!"

"Hey, little kids might be reading this!"

"Oops. To _good _dreams, then!"

"Oh well. I guess that'll be good enough."

**

* * *

**

**No more. All done.** So, continue on to review! Do it or I sick a herd of Puchuus on you!


End file.
